My boyfriend’s mom suddenly hates me.

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Dear Prudence,

I’ve been dating an Asian American man for almost a year, and he’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. Her mother and I got along for about six months. I was invited to dinner, stayed at their house (he lives with his parents) and we even exchanged phone numbers. My boyfriend agrees that I was polite to her and never stepped on her toes. Recently they got into a fight (she didn’t know I was there), and she launched a tirade that he shouldn’t bring his “girlfriend” into his house anymore, that I wasn’t a member of their family and was no longer welcome. He tried to reassure me that it was something she said in the heat of the moment, but she stuck to the words. I am devastated.

I can’t help but think that maybe she wanted her son to date someone else. My free trial with them has expired and she is ready for her son to date a woman from their inheritance. When I am in the house since, she stays in the garden until I leave. English is not his mother tongue and I’m not sure it would be productive for me to speak to him myself. What would you do in this situation?

– More welcome

There is no “maybe” about it– your boyfriend’s mom absolutely wants him to date someone else. I don’t know if it’s inheritance or not, but the point is, she doesn’t want you to be together. It’s not always an insurmountable problem, but given that your boyfriend and his mom live together and he seems determined enough not to rock the boat, you probably have a hard way to go here.

If I was in your situation, I would ask my boyfriend what he felt ready to do, given the untenable nature of the current arrangement, where his mother leaves the house to wait in the yard whenever I see you. visit him. Would he be ready to face his behavior and defend you? To move out? Find other places to meet you? If her answer is simply “Oh, I’m sure she’s doing this in the heat of the moment” or “Give her a few more weeks, I’m sure she will come once it starts to snow”, i would thank him for 10 adorable months, wish him the best for the future, and am on my way. Considering his initial response was “I’m sure she doesn’t think so” and his subsequent response seems like nothing, I think it’s likely he doesn’t really have a strategy in mind.

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Dear Prudence,

I am a 27-year-old woman in a relationship with a 34-year-old woman. We’ve been together for a year and a half, and what started out as a casual thing has turned into a more serious relationship. However, this is not a traditional relationship. She still lives with her ex-girlfriend, with whom she has a 9 year old child. They are raising the child together and have not told him about their breakup. I didn’t have a problem with it, because I live alone, and I’m happy to have it in my house. I am also an introvert who enjoys spending time alone when dealing with family responsibilities.

The problem is, lately she’s been insisting that I get more involved, talking about moving in together and having kids together. I want to have my own kids, but I really didn’t think about it with her yet. Now that she has mentioned it, I can’t really imagine us living together. The real problem is her son. After a year and a half, I still haven’t met him, and he doesn’t know of my existence. She says it’s because her ex doesn’t feel comfortable with it. My girlfriend told me that she would like to continue with shared custody if she moves in with me. I just can’t imagine a kid wanting to go live with a stranger they’ve never met before, or what my role would be in that situation. This relationship probably looks a little weird from the outside, but I love my girlfriend very much, I feel comfortable being with her and I trust her. But am I wrong thinking it’s going to work somehow? I could really use an outside perspective.

-Not the Brady group

It doesn’t sound “a little weird”. It goes way beyond. “A Little Weird” is a barely visible dot on a horizon that your girlfriend and her ex spent a long time ago on a dune buggy. You don’t mention if anyone in your life is aware of this arrangement, and I wonder if part of the reason is because you know that the people who care about you would be confused to hear what your little one did. friend asks you, not to mention what she does to her son. Take a moment to remind yourself of what it was like to be 9 and how much you depended on your parents to make you feel trustworthy, honest and strong. Now imagine that you find out that your parents have been secretly separated for the past 18 months when you thought everything was normal, that one of your parents is dating someone else and you are going to live with them half the time. time . (And that’s the best of times, because it assumes that your girlfriend is able to get joint custody without having to go to court. If her ex doesn’t want to let you meet her child or even mention your existence to her , what makes you think she will agree to a shared custody deal when you move in with your girlfriend?) Imagine the devastation, bewilderment, and sense of betrayal you would feel in her position.

Your girlfriend has displayed a shockingly cavalier attitude towards the welfare of her son. This is not a momentary error in judgment or a common mistake many parents make. This is a deliberate disinformation campaign designed to prioritize the comfort of adults over the best interests of their child. This is not a healthy situation, and I see no other solution for you than to get out as quickly as possible.

Dear Prudence,

I am a Latin woman who is the president of a student organization at a university. One of the agents of the organization did not live up to expectations. He’s a white man. I told him that I was not satisfied with his performance and that I was going to speak with the pedagogical advisor about his replacement. He resigns abruptly. He was respectful when he left and remained a member in good standing. I have just been informed that he has filed a bias complaint against me and some of the other agents. He provided a collection of context-free text messages and group chats that he said showed he was being discriminated against. Providing context makes most posts okay, but there are a few that look bad. And, looking back, he was always careful not to say his biased statements in writing or when we were recording meetings. I am so stressed by this for two reasons. I’m afraid of being sanctioned by college, but I’m also afraid of being unfair and not seeing discriminatory behavior because it was directed against a white man.

-On hot coals

Good news is also the same as bad news here: There isn’t much you can do right now other than let the university investigate. If you are a student graduating from a union, be sure to keep your representative in the know. Otherwise, be prepared to provide context, answer questions, and explain your side of the story as honestly and as fully as possible. If you are able to access psychological services through campus for additional support, please do so; finding an appropriate and confidential outlet for your fears will help you keep a clear mind and maintain a sense of equanimity. If the investigation reveals that you have discriminated against it and are disciplined, you will survive, even if it seems painful or embarrassing at the time. If the investigation concludes that her case is unfounded, but you still want to take the time to think about whether you could have handled things differently for your own satisfaction, you are free to do so. Regardless of what happens, it won’t be the last word on your life or hers.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

Now available in your podcast player: the audiobook edition of Danny M. Lavery’s latest book, Something that can shock and discredit you. Get it from Slate.

More care and feeding tips

Five years ago my partner cheated on me and got pregnant. We have overcome infidelity and have raised his son like mine from the time he was born. At what age is it appropriate to tell him that his social father and his biological father are not the same person? The biological father is not in the picture and appears to have no interest in being a parent. I think our son should be informed afterwards, but I think 4 years old is way too young. My partner does not agree. I would appreciate your advice.

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